Sometimes I wonder if my whole life will pass by this way: me waiting in the shadows, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone else to make it happen. Something new or different or crazy and amazing. I‘ve been there for so long, letting everyone else figure it out for me, floating along without much direction or conscious thought. Reacting.
— Sarah Ockler
Monday, March 21, 2016
7:33 PM
I wish I were dead, because then I wouldn't have to do anything. I wouldn't have to work, apply for jobs, or do anything that I didn't feel like doing. If I were dead I wouldn't have to endure the torture that is being scared.

I wouldn't have to be nervous, anxious, I wouldn't have to experience the feeling of dread.

If I were dead I wouldn't have to step out of my comfort zone. I am already scared of so many things, why do I have to do more things that scare me. I am pathetic I know, and not motivated and lazy. The worries that I had during uni, and now are still the same. Sigh.

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In other news, I went on a driving lesson with an instructor which was okay. I need to improve on many things especially speed and making sure I don't jerk the car when I step on the accelerate. I hope I can pass the driving test in 2 weeks, but I still need a lot of practise - especially parallel parking.

the top 5 pictures i made

Also I have made Yinnie some drawings as a birthday gift but they look ugly as fuck because I freaking suck now.. I don't draw much anymore and I seriously have no creativity left in me. It's like everything has been sucked dry in the last few years. I mean not that I had a lot of creativity before, but now it's like..?????? I just sit there thinking of what to draw and it just doesn't work out. Sigh. I am also not versatile at all in my drawing style. SIGH CRIES WHY.

EUGH I HATE MY LIFE IM SO SHIT AT EVERYTHING AND SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING. HOW DO PEOPLE JUST NOT BE SCARED AND ANXIOUS HOW TELL ME HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW. FUCK I SUCK.

Sigh. I just want to lie here and do nothing forever. I like being in my own little comfortable bubble. I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to. CRIESSSSSSSSSSSS

I miss being in high school and not having to worry about anything except for test scores FML

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It's Easter weekend as well. Friday I get day off yay! We're planning to go out on a day trip I think.. not sure where yet though. I am excited to hang out with my friends, and hopefully I can just forget about the world and every other shit that I don't want to think about FML I NEED A BEER

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Wednesday, March 16, 2016
9:17 PM
Okay, that was an exaggeration but I CAN'T BE FUCKED WITH LIFE ANYMORE! I WASN'T MADE FOR WORK. I WASN'T MADE TO DO ANYTHING APART FROM LAZE AROUND AND DO NOTHING.

My bank account makes me miserable. Going to work makes me tired. Knowing that every day is going to work, going home, sleeping and repeating makes me depressed. All the Korean dramas are also boring and I cant be fked watching them!!

I went to Suda on Saturday with my family for Y's early b'day celebration. It was good. After that went to Brandon's house to chill which was good. Sunday I got my hair cut a bit shorter and then slept over at Bryan's. Stayed up chatting til like 4AM.. so d e a d.

Bryan has this awesome foot massager which I hogged. It seriously relieved all the stress that my foot had been feeling for a week or two. Google told me that it was almost $1000 for that model, so fuck. I guess I'll continue living with David and the hand held one my family has.

Too tired and lazy to live. I can't even be bothered making a birthday card for my sister!!! I'm so naughty! In other news, life has just been pretty shit lately... more so for others than for me, but yeah, still been shit nonetheless.

I should stop being so negative. I feel like I still need to catch up on lost sleep from the sleepover on Saturday and Sunday. Work isn't helping.

I need to improve. I've also been a decent gf lately (not really), but yeah. One step at a time. One day at a time. Just step away if I'm mad.

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Monday, March 7, 2016
5:07 PM
Life is getting back into its routine. Working, then playing, then working, then playing, then working. I can't imagine how some people like David and Kathy can survive without rest... socialising and playing with friends also takes a lot of energy even though it's fun. I'm glad I have my Monday's off so that I can recharge.. I like resting.

David doesn't like when things get routine - funny because all he says is 1 or 2, 1 or 2 all day. He doesn't like me being too comfortable either. I don't think he likes me working here either, he wants me to aim higher, do more, be better. I'm scared.

I'm always scared, and happy with small achievements. I have booked a driving lesson with an instructor on the 20th, and also for my test which will be early next month. I hope that I can get my license because I am now 22, and it's embarrassing that I can't drive. I hate when people judge me for not doing things, or other things.. I can see it in their gaze and the way they ask, it makes me feel shit, but I guess I bring it on to myself.

I still have so many things to do, but as usual procrastinating.

Saturday
I worked up 5 hours sleep - I know it doesn't sound like too little but I am tired on even 10 hours sleep LOL I started at 9 and worked until 5. We were understaffed because one of the employees was sick, but thank god they managed to get someone else in. We were still rushing around. I felt pretty shit after a particular incident. I let things get to me really easily, like if I feel like I have made a bad decision I will feel very.. down.

We were all running around all day - doing one thing after another. At 1.30-2pm, 2 of the girls left, and we were left with 3. We somehow managed.. but M and I got out 20minutes after work.. because someone decided to come in at 5.05PM.. DO U NOT SEE THE CLOSED SIGN? Seriously.. I thought she was just picking up contact lenses but turned out she wanted to order. Sigh.

I had to wait 30minutes for my bus to come, but decided to just head to the city to meet Yinnie. I was done with life and work and everything else. I just wanted to hang out and do nothing. Turns out the train line was fucked and I ended up taking a train then a replacement bus then another train. I could have just gone home. When I met with Yinnie in the city she seemed exhausted having worked from 9-6.30. Her bag was so heavy with her laptop so we just headed home. We stopped by Maccas on the way home and I was so fat I got a small Big Mac meal and 6 nuggets all for myself LOL

Fast food makes me feel so shit after though. I feel oily and gross.. and fat... it's just.. eugh. Oh well, I guess once in a while is not bad.

Sunday
I went to the Melbourne Food and Wine Festival - River Graze with Michael, Nelson and David yesterday. It was just a lot of different things set around the Yarra River. It was expensive, but good to experience. I took my camera and tried to take some nice photos - I took some okay ones, and posted them on instagram. I still have a few pictures to post. I want to be better at photography.. I want to be better at drawing, water colors, and everything. I want to be better.

I want to stop putting things off, but I can't.

We didn't even have dinner because we had been eating the whole afternoon. We went to Michael's house and played this game on his computer, it was fun.. It was Jack Box Party pack which has many different games, they are similar to the game "Psych" where you have to 'find the right answer'. It's hard to explain the rules without playing but I had lots of fun XD

Monday
Hardly did anything today. This morning I didn't see the fried rice in the pan that my mum had made, so I just had avocado on toast. When I make it it tastes so bad compared to when Yinnie makes it LOL who knew that even that could be hard.

I guess cooking isn't really for me.. is anything? LOL I feel sorry for David if we get married.. because he'll probably get food poisoning every night HAHAHA I felt overwhelmed with the things I needed to do. My room was a complete mess when I woke up - making me feel very uncomfortable. So I ate breakfast, cleaned my room a bit, folded the clothes.

I applied for a job and then texted the driving instructor to see if he could fit me in before my test. I need a lot more practise I think, I hope I pass the test. Anyway, even texting him is a lot of energy so I decided to relax after that. That was like 11AM.

It's 5PM now and I'm still relaxing.. I have no idea what I have been doing LOL

-c

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Thursday, March 3, 2016
9:26 PM
Random blog post on a Thursday. Today work was okay, it was steady and we were a little under staffed but we managed to do ok. I had a really bad tummy ache the whole day, and it's been like that a few times recently. I read this post which also mentioned that if you break out around your chin it means you are stressed and have small intestine problems... so maybe I have small intestine problems that's why I have been having tummy aches LOL

I am also starting to break out a little. I have been getting a lot of pimples around my chin and today I noticed I have some on my forehead (WHICH IS LIKE VERY VERY UNCOMMON FOR ME), the same post I read said that breaking out in forehead area means stress.. SO I MUST BE VERY STRESSED!

A lot of people around me are also back at uni, which makes me realise how old I am. Even when I took the bus on Wednesday there were high school kids there, and I realised that was me 5+ years ago. I was one of them.. and that was half a decade ago.. where the fuck have I been? They looked so young, and I wondered if I looked like that too, there was a girl who looked really quiet and almost sad, I wondered if I looked like that too.

I'm almost 23, and I am still just sitting here, same as I have for the past 10 years. I also found some old photos of Vicky from a few years ago. I used to take so many more photos back then - it wasn't just all food, I actually took photos of my family and stuff around my house. Why is it when we get older we get less creative. Is it because I am scared of making mistakes, and I want my photos to be perfect. Is it because I'm lazy? Eugh I want to be less scared and more willing.

I have also not been getting enough sleep lately which is shit. That's probably why I have been breaking out. Fuuu. Oh and of course, mostly I have just been working, and coming home to watch drama. Currently I am watching: Signal, Come Back Mister, Descendants from the Sun..

I finished watching Cheese in the Trap yesterday. It was an enjoyable drama which fked up half way. I like open endings most of the time. I don't know why.. I just find it really.. real? But I feel like there were so many questions that could have been answered during 3 of the final episodes.. like I don't feel that the ending was as bad as people said? but they wasted a lot of time on just pointless shit.. which is such a shame, because the drama had so much potential.

Anyway, what else.. oh yeah, I am going to eat out with my friends tomorrow. It is sort of a weekly routine now - where we go out and eat. But it pisses me off that no one even replies the chat. Do you like legitimately not see it or do you see it and just not reply? I just find it almost rude? Whatever..

Oh and I have been wanting to buy clothes and shit but I'm piss poor.. so I will just live with what I've got.. until I see something I realllllyyy want LOL My feet have also been effing up lately.. probably because working so much. Each night I have to use the massager to massage my feet.. I also wonder if 'professional' foot massagers are good at all.. because I just want my feet to be pain free T-T

That's all for today
-c
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